What Mental Illness Looks Like... For me

Why Not Share?

In my message on #Let's Talk Day a couple of days ago, I mentioned a video I had done on 'What Mental Illness Looks Like.' As mentioned, it didn't render in my video software, and I wasn't able to upload or publish it.

After a couple of days of it not working, I had the chance to wonder if it was some sign not to share it.

While reconsidering publishing it, I asked myself what possibilities there were for why I might not want to. Here's what I came up with... 

  •   Does anyone really care?
  •   Nobody wants to hear about this
  •   I don't want to burden anyone with this and be a downer
  •   Will people focus on what they see, how I appear, how it's presented, and not hear any of what I have to say?
  •   Some won't believe me or believe it was serious
  •   Will anyone actually benefit from this?
  •   Will people say "Big Deal, everybody struggles, get over it, I have my own problems!"
  •   Will people I care about, think less of me?
  •   Will people be more concerned with how what I have to say reflects on them or reflects poorly on others?
  •   What will my family think about me sharing my secret? Will they take it personally? Will they blame themselves?

These are all things I would say to myself when I was struggling in the past that kept me from talking, from reaching out and asking for help. At the time, I felt I couldn't handle it if any of this were added to what I was already dealing withAt least then, It was just me suffering.

Fortunately, my respect for myself and others has risen to a place where these reasons are no longer an obstacle.

So figuring out what was going wrong with the software became much more critical. 

It's so important to reach out regardless of what others might do with it. You can't control that, but you can take charge of your mental health by doing it for yourself. That's Especially Important if you feel you're not worth doing anything for.

Although the signs for mental illness are commonly visible, they often are not.

We frequently hide it from ourselves as well. I recall when I finally knew it was more than just not feeling well. More than feeling tired most of the time. When it was more than simply not feeling good about myself and thinking life was a drag.

It switched from, 'I am feeling sad, angry, depressed and anxious to depression is all there seems to be, all I know and all I am. It was no longer I had depression; it switched to Depression had me.I as I once knew myself, was gone, and everything went black.

The worst part of my day throughout my descent into Depression was the morning.

It started with difficulty getting up in the morning as a kid. That was also the case as an adult. But that wasn't a problem I thought, everybody feels that way. Don't they? (No actually, as it turns out, not everyone does feel that way).

It progressed into. 'Oh No! How will I possibly make it through another day? I don't think I can do this anymore.' This was happening regularly as a teenager and as a young adult.

And when mental illness took over and had it's tightest grip on me. It went further into very deep disappointment and despair for waking up at all. A wave of deep, dull anger would come over me as I would say, "Fuck! I'm still here."